Week 13 - Expect misery.

It has been another busy two weeks, especially considering we're supposed to be on summer vacation here.

We saw the perinatologist for the first time and got another ultrasound and some video of them bouncing around!

Their nuchal scan was perfect and they're measuring 13 weeks (on Friday), so they're still ahead by a few days. The doctor was really great. He was really honest and told us to literally "expect misery" after 30 weeks. But it wasn't in an asshole way. It was just a statement of truth and we appreciated that. Too often doctors sugar coat things. He was really thorough too and answered all of our questions. They're more familiar with IVF than at the regular O/B. I guess because so many multiples come from IVF. But it was nice to be able to explain to them how we got there and have them understand what we were talking about.

We've started getting some baby furniture. My mom's goal is to get one big piece a month until they're born, or until the nursery is furnished. This month was the bassinets. They're really cool and apparently the cats think so too because they totally made themselves comfortable the moment we put them together. We had been expecting this and had talked to the vet about it last time we were there. She said you have to let them explore the new stuff. You can't ban a cat from anything, but you can make it so they're not as interested. We now filled them with a bunch of backpacks and shoes and Guitar Hero stuff so when they jump in it's not comfortable and it's their decision to jump out. It worked and neither of them has tried to jump in for days now.

I also painted the babies' room. We were going to go with yellow, but decided on mint green instead. It will look great with the dark brown furniture. We don't have much in the way of decoration decided yet, but my lady did make this cute button rainbow to hang on the wall.

One of the biggest things we did this week was to see a lawyer. We've never had any kind of legal documents made before, mostly because we've never really had anything worth protecting before. But now we've got the house and two kids on the way. While we do have the domestic partnership, we found out that it's basically toilet paper, legally. It really doesn't give us any kind of rights. The lawyer is going to do estate planning for us, which basically is our wills and declaring each other power of attorney (and a secondary should some misfortune befall both of us at the same time) for medical and financial decisions. She is also going to set up a trust and appoint my brother and sister-in-law power of attorney secondary and custodian if we both go before the kids turn 18. And lastly she is going to look into how we stand with parental rights legally. She was really interested in our situation but she wasn't familiar with the legality so she said she is going to look into it. Ideally we both want to be able to sign the birth certificate, but we don't know if that is an option. If not, we might have to do a second parent adoption after they're born.

We went to our second Mothers of Multiples meeting. There were a lot more moms than last month's meeting and some brought their babies. One had a 2-week-old. She slept the whole time (the baby, not the mom). I like that in a baby. Another had 10-week-old identical twin girls and they were adorable too. It's still too intimidating for me to hold other peoples babies, but I was very interested in just observing them.

We don't have quite so much planned for the next two weeks, but things have a habit of popping up, so who knows.

Week 11 - This Is Really Happening

10 weeks, 5 days

We saw the doctor again on Thursday and we went armed with a notebook full of questions. But first we had an ultrasound. Normally we wouldn't have had one since we just had one last month, but you know...twins.

The ultrasound tech is so nice and bubbly, but not in an annoying, fake way. She seems really, genuinely happy. She must have the best job, showing people their babies all day. She got lots of good pictures for us. Heart rates and gestational development are perfect, a couple of days ahead actually. They're really moving around in there now. Baby B was bouncing around so much she had a hard time getting a good heart rate measure. But she got a super cute picture of his little feet.

We got some clarification from the doctor on some things. The fertility doctor had her on a lot of medication and restrictions. She takes a very cautious approach since her patients are typically there because of problems getting or staying pregnant. Some of the restrictions are no baths or swimming, no lifting more than 12 pounds and no woohoo. The OB said we can swim and take body temperature baths, and lift no more than 20 pounds. So our orange cat Bailey is good, but Tyler is still too fat (tipping the scales at about 22 pounds). We'll be done with the medication at week 12. She is also sending us to a perinatologist, which is an OB that specializes in high risk pregnancies, which twins automatically is. We'll be seeing them both alternately and they'll be doing more ultrasounds than with a single pregnancy. It gives is peace of mind, really. It was hard waiting a month between appointments because it gives you time to develop all kinds of worries. Now we only have two weeks to freak ourselves out between appointments.

We visited with my mom for the 4th of July. It was a really nice day. We took advantage of the swimming thing and the water was perfect. Then we went to lunch and Babies R Us and picked our furniture. We decided that although we have the room, the babies are going to share a bedroom. So we picked out two cribs (they're both the same),

a dresser with a changing station,

 

and two bassinets (also, both the same) for the first weeks (or months) in our bedroom and they convert to mini-playpen like things as the babies grow.

We also got most of the registry done there and online later. The time is going to go pretty quickly. My mom and aunt are planning a Halloween baby shower, which I think is awesome. So many cute ideas for it and my lady found the most awesome shirt for it.

All this really makes me realize that this is happening for real. It's crazy, but pretty awesome. Two little babies. Who would have thought.

Week 9 - The Metamorphosis Begins

All my adult life I've heard how having kids changes you. But since we don't really have other friends that we've seen have kids, it's just been another cliche. Now we're experiencing some of the changes firsthand and our kids aren't even born yet.

First off, we got a Costco membership. We figured we're going to need twice as much of everything we needed before, so Costco seemed the obvious solution. Unfortunately, their diapers start at size 1 and ours won't be in those for a while. But they will need them eventually. And they will need a lot of them and lots of other stuff too. Formula, juice boxes, goldfish crackers, etc.

Next, we joined a moms group. Actually, it's a moms of multiples group. As I mentioned above, we don't have a lot of friends with kids. The ones that do, have older kids, like middle school age. So it's not likely that they'll want to go on play dates with our little ones. We heard about this group and went to our first meeting last week. At first it was really intimidating because we don't socialize much and the lady that was hosting the meeting lived in a really fancy area. But once we got to talking, everyone was really nice and we had a really good time. Plus we realized that we can learn a lot from them.

Time to trade in the cute little 2-door hatchback for a more family friendly car.

Getting up at 6:30 on a Sunday is now the equivalent of sleeping in.

And who knows what else is to come. We've got to take the cat to the vet. You know, the one that was acting nuts after the transfer? Well, he's still acting nuts and it isn't so cute anymore. I think we're going to have to put him on some long-term anxiety medication. He's driving himself crazy and now he's starting to get the other cat all wound up and normally he's very chill. If this is his way of getting us ready for the babies, then point taken. But if he's just having a hard time adjusting to pregnancy hormones, he's in for a hell of a time when the babies actually come. So we've got to get him calmed down.

We have our next baby appointment next week. They're going to do another ultrasound, which normally they wouldn't but because we're in a special situation, we get to see the babies again :)

Week 7 - 30 more to go...

Long gone are the days when pregnancy was a 9 month deal. Now we know it's measured by weeks, 40 to be precise. However with twins, they're considered full term at 37 weeks. So although the official due date is January 25, they'll probably schedule the delivery sometime around 2nd instead. I'd love to go a day earlier and have New Year's babies, but since it'll be scheduled I guess that'll be up to the doctor.

Up to this point the pregnancy symptoms have been typical. Nausea, boob changes, cramps, etc. I expected those, but I wasn't really prepared for the hormonal waterworks. I'm not an emotional person, myself. At least I don't show emotion well. She's always been the opposite but now, it's a whole new game.

As we were driving home from the grocery store today, listening to the radio as we always do, "Home" by Phillip Phillips comes on. You know, the one they used for the gymnasts at the last Olympics. Nice song, whatever. But then I hear in a choked voice "I think this song is going to make me cry!" So I look over and I'm like what? And she was seriously tearing up and was like "We're going home and I'm making myself a home for the babies!" but then she started laughing, so I ask "Are you fucking with me?" And she laughs and says no, but then we both start laughing. Ah, well. It was a sweet moment.

How are babbies formed?

I guess I might need to change the name of the blog since there are babbies instead of just babby. Yep, twins.

Crazy stuff. After all these years of no babies, now we have two. If everything went correctly during the transfer, it should be a boy and a girl. But you know nothing is 100%.

So far they are right on developmental schedule at 6 weeks 5 days. Size and heartbeats were perfect. First babies in the family in 24 years. Everyone is really excited.

They said a twins pregnancy is pretty much like a single pregnancy until a little later. Then it gets interesting. And now we pretty much know she'll have to have a c-section, which we didn't want but that's pretty much the standard for multiples. Next appointment is July 3.

Cautiously Optimistic

Has medical science suddenly cured me of my infertility? Well, no but here I am again. Why?

If you read back, you may recall that we were considering trying again with the uteruses reversed and using my leftover embryos. Well, we decided to give it a go. And what do you know? It worked. Yeah. 'Tis quite the story that follows.

We met with the doctor in October to see what our options were and she said that we could try the next month in November if we wanted to. It was tempting, but my lady had been training for almost a year to run a half-marathon that happened to be in November. The doctor said to give them a call with the first period after that. That was sometime in December.

The marathon was great, by the way. I didn't run the marathon myself. Distance just isn't my thing.

Now, around this time I noticed that the fertility clinic was having a contest where clients and potential clients could make a 1 minute video of how they're getting ready for their baby. The winner would receive 50% off the next treatment cycle, which is no small chunk of change. We decided to give it a shot and made three pretty hilarious videos. I don't think my girlfriend would want me to post them here, but trust me. They were great. Anyway, we didn't win but we did get sort of an honorable mention and got $500 off. I think it was a pity prize because when they called they said something like "Now, we didn't announce other prizes but we are giving you $500 for second place!" I really think there were originally no other prizes, but I feel like we've been there so long and everyone there knows us, they felt they had to give us something. Whatever. I'll take a pity prize.

The doctor wanted to try a natural cycle but put her on birth control for a month to regulate her period. That was a rough month. Everyone reacts to hormones differently and well...this particular birth control did not agree with her. But after that we were ready for a transfer. This was January.

However, towards the middle of January my lady started to feel ill. Turns out it was the fucking flu and we were both down for over a week. I, myself, had to take three days off from work and I never take time for being sick. Time off to play Civilization and pick my nose, sure. But not for actual illness. Anyway, this week happened to coincide with the week we would have done the transfer so that was put on hold.

New Home Sweet Home

Oh and hey, did I mention that right smack in the middle of all this we decided to sell our old house and buy a new one? Call us gluttons for stress, I guess. But it all worked out. We ended up closing on the new house just a few weeks before the old house sold.

So, back to the babby. Well, as you know in this process when there is a delay, it's usually 2 months or more. So we weren't able to try again until around March. Got all medicated up and went in for ultrasounds after day 3. Things were looking good but after a couple of ultrasounds, the doctor couldn't find the follicle she had been watching for ovulation. See, with a natural cycle you have to transfer pretty close to when you actually ovulate. The bloodwork later confirmed that we had indeed missed the window and had to wait for another cycle.

But this time the doctor wanted to do a more controlled cycle. Not Lupron controlled like I was on, but more birth control in addition to estrogen and progesterone. Started that up at the beginning of April and we were ready for a transfer at the beginning of May.

May 9th rolls around and we head back in to the IVF room. She in her spa wrap, I in my hairnet. This time I was able to look around. When you're on the table there's not much to see, but it's pretty interesting in there. I got to see the embryos when they put them under the microscope before the suck them into the transfer catheter. I also got to see them go in on the ultrasound.

Before the transfer, the doctor said this has to work so she can take us off of her bucket list. Lol.

Anyway, we went home for the long, agonizing wait. The first few days were whatever, just a lot of resting and stuff. But then she started feeling really crampy. Could have been period cramps, though. Then she started having boob pain. Again, could have been a period coming. I get pretty bad boob pain myself. But the one symptom that couldn't be explained by an oncoming period or medication side effect was the cat. Tyler.

Guess that shit isn't getting graded today.

Now, he's a little neurotic anyway. He's a rescue cat and has had issues with anxiety and other things since he was a young cat after a bad experience at the vet. I could write a whole blog just about him and what he's put us through. Anyway, he started acting very peculiar, even for him. He would follow her around the house, circle her legs and yowl at her constantly. He wandered around yowling. He was driving himself so nuts that we had to give him a Valium. Seriously, he has kitty Valium prescribed to him. Anyway, he was just not acting like himself and we are pretty sure it's because he knew. I've read that animals can sense pregnancy hormones. Call him our little First Response.

I left the pee soaked end out of
the image. You're welcome.

The first two blood tests looked good. On the first one her progesterone was already 6 and mine never got anywhere near that, even after increasing the disgusting progesterone cream. The second one was the one I was worried about because that was usually when my levels would take a dive. But hers went up. Final blood test was on the 21st. But before that, she decided to take a pee test. I kind of didn't want her to because I have very bad feelings associated with them and because I thought it was too early anyway. But she peed on it the morning of the 19th. The little hourglass came up for about a minute and then said "pregnant". We both looked at it and at each other and couldn't really believe what we were seeing. I went to work in shock.

After we thought about it more, we thought the test might have been expired and it turned out it was. So on my way home I picked up a new one and she peed on that when I got home. The test said to wait 3 minutes, but you could see the second line almost immediately. This put any doubt out of our minds. After this the blood test on the 21st was just a formality and it was positive as well. The doctor ordered one more blood test to make sure the levels were still increasing and all is well.

Normally the doctor likes to keep people on for about 11 weeks and do the first ultrasounds herself. But our insurance covers none of her services so she is releasing us to our regular OB, which our insurance will pay for completely, minus the copay. We have our first prenatal appointment June 6. They'll do the first ultrasound and hopefully we'll be able to see if one or both of these little things took. Based on the last bloodwork, it seems like the both might have, which is a little scary, not going to lie.

So that's where we are now, which brings me back to the question of why I'm writing again. When I started this I intended it to be a record of my journey to get pregnant and eventually the pregnancy. When that dream was destroyed, I didn't see the point since my journey was over. But one of the things I've been working on with my therapist is that my journey is not over. I'm still part of the journey, just in a different capacity. So I've decided to write again.

I'll try to keep it positive and interesting to read, but you've got to understand I still have a lot of issues to work out so you're probably going to get glimpses of that here and there. For now, I'm still in shock and disbelief. But in a good way, I think. If all works out, this little bundle will be born late January 2015. Or if it is two little bundles, early January.

Thanks for reading again. See you on the 6th.

Game over. Uterus - 1, Jacky - 0

Well, that's all folks. Sorry to anyone who actually still reads this for the delay in updates. I'm sure you were on pins and needles but it's all over now. The doctor has officially cut me loose. There's nothing more she can do for me. Since she's a doctor that specializes in tough cases, I've got no choice but believe and accept that.

I'm not even going to begin to try to explain how it feels other than it feels bad, man. And it probably will for a long time.

So, what's next?

If you've followed this blog you know that we were never in the position for my girlfriend to try instead. Her job before simply didn't allow it. But fortunately now she has a new, much better job and we are thinking that we might be able to turn the tables now. We are meeting with the doctor next week to talk about that.

It will be strange to be on the other side of the stirrups...

Anyway, this blog was about my journey and now that is over. I considered archiving it, but I think I'm going to leave it for now. Someone may come across it in a Google search about fertility and might read about my experiences. Or maybe there is some doctor that is Googling tough fertility issues and wants to study me. Whatever. But I don't know if I'll be updating anymore. My girlfriend doesn't enjoy writing like I do so I don't think blogging would be her thing. We'll just have to wait and see.

So, thanks for reading for all these past months and allowing me to share my thoughts and feelings. To anyone reading this and going through the same thing, I wish you nothing but good luck. And to everyone else, see you around the Internet!

-Jacky

The Next Chapter

There's been a lot going on and I've been waiting to post until everything is settled. Which it is now, plus I've got some downtime since my students are taking state tests. And I figured out how to get around the Internet filter at work so I can actually access Blogger now. So here's what's going on now.

I've kept saying that as long as the doctor is willing to work with me and try different things, I'd keep going. Or at least until we go bankrupt. Originally I thought the doctor wanted to try something with the regular daily Lupron, but it turns out she wants to try something new with the monthly super-Lupron combined with something to way suppress estradiol. They submitted a prescription, which was promptly denied. I called to find out why since they paid for it before. They said they need a diagnosis code for authorization. Fine. I have the nurse send one, wait a couple of days and call again. They have no record of it.

Fuck. So I write the nurse again and she calls them while she's e-mailing me. She worked her magic and got them to approve it. You have to understand, this is the difference between a $700+ bill for three months and a $60 copay. The problem is that this didn't finally get sorted out until yesterday, which happened to be day 1 of my menses. And the shot needs to be given on days 3-5, but the closer to 3 the better. They are shipping it today overnight and I have to go tomorrow after work to get the shot.

That's what I've been dealing with the past few weeks. But it's happening again, finally. At this point I feel like it's a personal battle between my doctor and my uterus. Who will be victorious?

I'm not looking forward to the side effects again. Particularly the weight gain and the loss of horny. But it will be nice not to have a period all summer. Our pool opens next week.

And there's just a few more weeks until summer vacation, so it will be much easier to get to appointments and just nice to have some time off. It's been a very long and stressful year.

Oh, god news though. My lady will be starting a new chapter in her life this fall. She got her dream job! This will be great for both of us and will open a lot of doors financially for us. It's really exciting to be starting something new.

Latest News

We expected to hear from the doctor much sooner but didn't until today. Wasn't good news. The protein is still missing.

The nurse said that sometimes it still doesn't even appear even after six months of the super Lupron and we've done three. But the doctor wants to try something else next month. I'll call again with my period, which I just finished so about 3 weeks. Then I'll start regular daily Lupron again. I'm guessing another 2 week kit, but it could be more. In addition to that I'll be taking letrozole daily. I'm not sure but I think it's another injection.

I'm disappointed, of course. I don't even know what to think or feel otherwise. I feel like we're starting to run out of options and we're just grasping at straws now. But I've always told myself that if there was anything to try I would because I don't want to be left wondering "what if".

So I guess that's it for another month. If there are any doctors out there that want to study me or something, I have three months off starting in June...

Moving Forward

The second ultrasound and bloodwork went well. The nurse said the results were 'very good' but like I've said before, they say that every time so it's hard to take it seriously anymore.

We did the HGC shot last night to trigger ovulation. This is because the biopsy has to be on a specific day in cycle and to make sure I'm on that day, they trigger ovulation and count forward from there.

Anyway, the biopsy is next Friday the 15th. Right now it's in the afternoon so my lady should be able to take me (she works mornings). Hopefully they don't reschedule, but that sometimes happens as emergencies arise.

I can't really say I'm looking forward to it because I know exactly how badly it's going to hurt. Last time I thought it might hurt, but I was unprepared for how bad it really was. Now I know it's going to suck balls. I guess in a way that's good, but in another way it's very bad for me because I tend to get anxiety.

We should know the results the week after the biopsy. I remember last time it didn't take too long.

Once we have the results, we'll be moving forward. Along one path or another.