Pre-Lupron Scan

So I've been taking birth control for a week or so now. Today they did an ultrasound to see what's going on down there before I start Lupron tomorrow. Everything looks whatever, so it starts again. I've been growing a pretty awesome power bush, but I did trim it up this morning. It looks pretty nice now, if I do say so myself.

I should get my period in a couple more weeks (another reason to trim the bush) and then I go for an ultrasound on day 3 of that cycle. Then we go through all the motions of ultrasounds to measure the lining, bloodwork, etc. They've given us an approximate FET date of June 20. If this one actually works, we'd be having the baby in early March.

Most of this cycle will be after the school year is over. I'm hoping that the significantly reduced stress will be a positive thing and maybe give me better chances this time. The nurse also confirmed with me today that we'll be transferring two this time, which should also increase the chances. Part of me isn't sure if we should use both of our boys that we have left or do one boy and one of the mystery embryos we haven't had tested yet. I figure that way, we have one boy left for sure if there is a next time. I don't know. It makes sense in my head. We have a while to think about that, though.

I was thinking about the timing today. We have a field trip tomorrow. The fifth graders compete against other schools in a track meet. It's a pretty big deal. Anyway, I was thinking about timing because this time last year we were doing the second IUI. I had a doctor's appointment on the day of the track meet and it was the biggest shit show finding a sub for that. It worked out in the end and that's not really the point of my flashback. The point is, that this has been almost two years of our lives (including all the planning and testing the year before that) with this business now. And time is ticking. I'm going to be 32 this year. 35 is generally the age where things start to get really tricky trying to conceive. As if things haven't been tricky enough already.

I still really haven't gotten over the first FET failing. I've never experienced disappointment like that before. I don't really know how to deal with it. I know time heals all wounds and all that crap, but I really don't have a lot of time here. And starting the Lupron tomorrow is going to make me an even bigger train wreck emotionally.

Something needs to start working out or I might really lose my mind :\

The doctor said we could start again right away if we want. I'm not sure if I do, but I'm going to anyway. I got my period Sunday so I called today and got a new flow sheet. I start birth control tomorrow and then Lupron again in a couple of weeks. My last day of work is June 7. Most of the ultrasounds and the next transfer is scheduled for after that, so I won't have to worry about subs, which is great.

Now, the IVF package we paid for was supposed to include 1 fresh transfer and 2 frozen. Since we didn't get to do the fresh we assumed that we would get 3 frozen instead. The doctor said they had never had that situation before so she didn't know, but it looks like we'll probably only get one more chance instead of two before we have to pay again. We're going to have to talk to the person in charge of financial stuff, though. The doctor doesn't really deal with that.

After everything we've gone through and already spent, $2,500 doesn't seem like much at all and we will come up with it if we have to. My mom said she would pay for one also if we needed it. We're both working this summer and summer money is pretty good. But it still burns.

I saw my endocrinologist last Thursday. I was really hoping that there would be a problem with my thyroid levels, but they were spot on perfect. So I don't have that to blame anymore. It just didn't work this time and the problem with all of this is that there is really no way to know why. So you're always left wondering what you did wrong. The doctor said the only thing we could do differently next time is to transfer two, so that's what we're going to do. We now face the possibility of having twins, which would be hard. But I'd absolutely rather have two babies than no babies.

I really tried to have a good weekend to take my mind away. My girlfriend graduated Saturday and we had a lot of fun at the ceremony and then dinner. Plus she finally got her birth certificate with her new last name in the mail! We had to get it from the state she was born in and we've been waiting for months, so that was exciting.We spent some time with my mom on Sunday and then spent some gift cards. It was nice.

So now it starts all over again. In case you couldn't tell, I'm having a very hard time dealing with all of this. Like much harder than I expected and much harder than the failed IUI attempts. I'm no picnic at home and at work I just feel like I want to snap on everyone all the time. That's not like me and I don't like it. I'm sure going back on Lupron is only going to make it worse if I don't figure out how to deal before then. And that's what I'm going to try to do in the next couple of weeks.

I don't expect this cycle will be much different than the last one and since you read all about that already, I probably won't bore you with posting about it again. I'll mostly be updating dates and important changes and stuff. So you may not see as many lengthy posts as before. But I'll be around.

Negative again this month. I'm not in any state to write more right now.

Just a brief update.

First hormone levels on Tuesday were good. Not great, but good. The results today were not so promising. The doctor says the levels are still good, but I feel like that's how I write on everyone's report card to have a good summer. It's just something they say. Not that they have any reason to lie, but I just feel it's following the same pattern as before. First levels good, then they drop. Granted, this time they didn't drop nearly as dramatically as they did before. But it still immediately makes my thinking negative now.

I have read that these levels aren't an indicator of pregnancy one way or another. They just help determine if a pregnancy would be successful. I'm not sure if that makes sense or not, it's just what I've read. And I'm really in no position to be interpreting the numbers but I do anyway.

Well, like I said this is just brief. I almost didn't write this at all because it is making me sad to keep thinking about it, but it turns out people actually read this that might care. The final test is on Wednesday the 9th, so see you then.